I am Unworthy
When I felt ready to move forward into a new life after loss, there was a whisper in my ear, “So you’re ready to move forward? Well then you are going to have to be a much better person than you are now. If you want to love your new life you will need to be: more controlled, more responsibile and stable, wealthier, happier, prettier, smarter....”.
I told myself, “You are not worthy to have a life that you love, again, unless you are a much better person than you are right now.”
I am now living happily in my new life and I find myself saying again and again, “I love my life!”. Strangely now that I have transitioned into my new life, it feels the same as my old life. Different but the same. I have good days, I have bad days, I get angry, I am content, I am at peace, I have fun, I have disagreements, sometimes I cry but mostly I laugh... a lot. I have no more money than before, I am not any more happier, I am not prettier or smarter, I am the same ‘me’ as before.
The way I learned to transition was by not romanticizing my past and I am not expecting to be live the fantasies of my future in my present moment in an attempt to make myself worthy of loving my life, again. I never had a traditional life and I don’t have one now and I probably never will because I have finally embraced the fact that I don't want a traditional life style. I have always dreamt of a future where I lead a "typical" life but whenever I start to I realize that it just doesn’t fit. Now that I am back to living a life I love I have learned it is not about changing me but accepting me.
Moving forward is not about being perfect, I am sure I will be working on myself until I die and even then I will be fully flawed. Moving forward is about being me without my late husband. He will always be a part of me and my story, but right now I am creating my story not his. I had an aha moment when I realized this is my story! This was the same when he was alive, I had my life and he had his, our stories just intersected more often.
When I was married to Robin we lived pay cheque to pay cheque, always trying but never really getting ahead. I had an aha moment when I realized moving forward wasn’t about getting a better life but realizing if I loved my life then, exactly the way it was, with all its deficiencies why can’t I now.
It was difficult to get perspective and remember the real man after Robin died as no one wants to speak ill of the dead. I started to think I loved my life because it was perfect but through my journey of walking, writing and sharing my story I was able to see the reality of my life.
It wasn’t perfect then and it isn’t perfect now. I have learned how to move forward after loosing a flawed person and when I move forward into a new relationship I will fully love another flawed person with hopes that he will love me with all my quirks, issues and idiosyncrasies.
I told myself, “You are not worthy to have a life that you love, again, unless you are a much better person than you are right now.”
I am now living happily in my new life and I find myself saying again and again, “I love my life!”. Strangely now that I have transitioned into my new life, it feels the same as my old life. Different but the same. I have good days, I have bad days, I get angry, I am content, I am at peace, I have fun, I have disagreements, sometimes I cry but mostly I laugh... a lot. I have no more money than before, I am not any more happier, I am not prettier or smarter, I am the same ‘me’ as before.
The way I learned to transition was by not romanticizing my past and I am not expecting to be live the fantasies of my future in my present moment in an attempt to make myself worthy of loving my life, again. I never had a traditional life and I don’t have one now and I probably never will because I have finally embraced the fact that I don't want a traditional life style. I have always dreamt of a future where I lead a "typical" life but whenever I start to I realize that it just doesn’t fit. Now that I am back to living a life I love I have learned it is not about changing me but accepting me.
Moving forward is not about being perfect, I am sure I will be working on myself until I die and even then I will be fully flawed. Moving forward is about being me without my late husband. He will always be a part of me and my story, but right now I am creating my story not his. I had an aha moment when I realized this is my story! This was the same when he was alive, I had my life and he had his, our stories just intersected more often.
When I was married to Robin we lived pay cheque to pay cheque, always trying but never really getting ahead. I had an aha moment when I realized moving forward wasn’t about getting a better life but realizing if I loved my life then, exactly the way it was, with all its deficiencies why can’t I now.
It was difficult to get perspective and remember the real man after Robin died as no one wants to speak ill of the dead. I started to think I loved my life because it was perfect but through my journey of walking, writing and sharing my story I was able to see the reality of my life.
It wasn’t perfect then and it isn’t perfect now. I have learned how to move forward after loosing a flawed person and when I move forward into a new relationship I will fully love another flawed person with hopes that he will love me with all my quirks, issues and idiosyncrasies.
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