What Are You Programmed For?

Strolling through the Vancouver Art Gallery looking at the new exhibits I am filled with gratitude for my life and my ability to be totally present enjoying this moment.  Places full of art are one of the places I go to give myself the upmost in self care.  Art inspires me and helps me understand myself on different levels each time I give myself the opportunity to surround myself with the items that fill its space.   My mind relaxes as I breath in and then breath out any tension letting my mind set off on an adventure.  Some people get to this place of calmness through meditation, some spiritual exploration, some learning, I get there through contemplation and art gives my mind so much space to contemplate.




I am loving my life and the time I have to enjoy the company of friends, the time to explore and the freedom of not having stuff to weigh me down.  I am currently sharing my book on how I moved through the pain of grief to the other side full of love, happy and devoid of any hole that I was warned would be there for the rest of my life.  I want to share my journey with the hope of giving others the opportunity of loving life again and enjoying its simple pleasures. 








As I said art gives me the space to contemplate and explore.  I give myself a subject to explore before I meander.  This visit I gave my brain space to contemplate ...








How can I encourage people to take time for themselves to heal loss, whether the loss be divorce, death, moving, job changes or even the arrival of a new baby.





Within every change there is loss of some sort even the changes we choose and hope will make our lives better.  When I do this contemplation thing, when I give myself time to explore it is amazing, I am shown the answers.  It could be a billboard advertising a tv show, a street person giving me some wisdom, a chance encounter with a stranger on the bus or art that leads me through a problem.  I am lead to the answer but it is in my ability to live in the present where the answer comes.  For me I am letting my life be the Camino.  On the Camino it was the same you would set out to walk for the day and in each day of simply walking I would learn lessons that I couldn't go to school to learn.  It is the same here as I walk around the Art Gallery.








I pass a quote on the wall:

"Where you come from now is much less important than where you're going... And home, we know, is not just the place where you happened to be born.  It's the place where you become yourself."

I love this quote because within it is the contradiction that we aren't who we are raised but we become who we are,  where we were raised. How can we possibly not be tied to how we were raised?  How are we all not the complete product of our child rearing.  Then it hits me, how can I ask people to take the time to heal when at their core they are programmed to work hard, believing that everything will work out by working hard.








Do  you remember how old you were when hard work was programmed into your brain to be the only way to become successful in this world?






My grandmother would say to her sister, "Oh look at her do all my dishes, isn't she such a help. She is such a hard worker."






How many times were you complimented for being really good at playing and relaxing.  How many times do you remember your parents say?, "Lay back and relax, take time for yourself to get over the disappointment of your best friend moving away, the dishes can wait."






My parents were trying to put my self esteem first so they would say, "even if you don't get good grades in school I want to hear that you are working hard".  I was taught that working hard trumped everything.  It didn't have to be spoken either it was modeled to me, was it modeled to you?




Was your fathers absence at events accepted because he was working hard? 
Do you know at your core that your life would not be where it is today if your mom did not work hard and tirelessly? 


Does working hard in your family trump self care, quality time with people and space to let go?






How can I encourage people to take a month off and go for a long distance walk with me to heal the loss in their life?  How can someone shifting through loss give themselves a week to settle into the changes without piling on the work load.  How many people can take a day off of work without feeling guilty and judged for the actions?  When was the last time you took an hour just for yourself that was not laced with guilt due to the long list of things that needed to be done and had you wondering what people would think of you for taking time just for you?














The programming to work hard is core deep as it is modeled everywhere,  working hard negates everything.  I know a woman who had a failed pregnancy leaving her on the brink of life and death but went back to work within a week. I have known nurses who won't take a day off of work when they are sick in fear of being ostracized (This makes no sense as we want our nurses healthy so they don't make vulnerable people sick). I have known many people who get divorced and cry at their desks every day but they are at work giving themselves no time to heal the loss of their partnerships.  Women I know have gone back to work 2 weeks after giving birth.
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I have seen people who lost loved ones give themselves no break from school or work with no time to mend their broken lives.  I've known people who moved across the country not take a break going from old job to new job.  I've known people going through heart surgery that worked up to the day they had surgery.







I have witnessed the envy people had for those who took the time to heal so they could contribute whole heartedly back into society.  I know I have been there working 80 hours a week, resentful to the people who say they can't take a shift as they need to get a good sleep. I have been on a long road to working less, it has been 2 decades of deprogramming myself not to overwork but still working hard feels expected.

 "Without hard work, nothing grows but weeds."

- Gordon B. Hinckley

Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."

– Sam Ewing

It ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!"

- Rocky Balboa

These quotes are true but we need to heal past wounds first.  We program our children to work with disregard for our emotional health.  I hear the programming come out of my own mouth as I encourage the young people in my life to plug through by working hard.  "Don't worry it will work out just go to work", and yet  I have tried so hard to give myself the space to heal without guilt.

Work Work Work!

So here is a possible solution to the problem  Baby steps.  Learning to take time just for yourself.  It may start at a short 10 minutes and then will go to 20 minutes and then soon after even one hour a day.  Pretty soon you might be able to stretch this time to a week or a month... could you imagine?  Oh think of the fun you will have.








Here is my proposition.  Give yourself 15 minutes a day of self care time and we will work up to 30 minutes.  Find time to write or carve out 15 minutes a day to walk in the woods or discover a local garden where you could breath in the aroma.  Go to that place where you can be engrossed into the moment and stay there for a full 15 minutes guilt free.

We are here to enjoy the blessings of our life.  We are meant to walk through the woods and breath in the smells of the forest.  We are designed to let the beating of our hearts slow down and listen the waves brush the shore.  We can relax and take an afternoon nap.  It is within this space that you give yourself a place to heal and move forward to enjoy the richness of living.