Walking Away From A Life I Love - Introduction
Introduction
I love my life ... I love my life ... I love my life!
This is my mantra as I drive along the winding roads of our island home, to pick up Robin from the ferry. Robin, my husband of 17 years works out of town for as long as a month, then comes home for a week or so. My work schedule, fortunately gives me the flexibility to be entirely available for fun when he returns. Tomorrow we will go camping in our 4x4 truck and camper, down an old logging road on Vancouver Island. The peace and tranquility is shared only with the elk, bear, birds and cougars. Wilderness camping in luxury!
Ritually I get to the ferry a little early, waving to Robin and welcoming him home as the ferry docks. After all these years we have not let ourselves take the other person for granted and we enjoy each others company to the fullest. I have to admit, it is not all rainbows and pixies, because there are definitely some things on his return that I dread. For example: his laundry, the mess that inevitably accompanies Robin, the copious amounts of food and dirty dishes ... but most of all the snoring. We donʼt even sleep in the same room and his snoring will keep me awake, now, until he goes back to camp. But ... these things all make up Robin and I love this man!
As the ferry pulls up I can see Robin is tired from the journey and the long stint of work, but he smiles as his long arm lifts high into the air and waves to me from the ferry deck. I can never get enough of looking at this man, 6ʼ4” with long hair and a grin that makes any woman weak in the knees. He makes his way up the walkway pulling his luggage, I can see that he is exhausted. But as soon as he gets to the top of the ramp he puts down his luggage and gives me one of his amazing hugs. Robin has hugging perfected, his long arms envelop and embrace me completely, and instantly I feel his love pour into me. Exhaustion from the journey and a month of working hard, makes a quiet drive home. Robin showers and gets into bed as soon as he enters the house, and I do his laundry and get everything ready for camping tomorrow.
As the sun breaks the horizon, we head to our “spot”, a secret location in the NitNat Valley past Cowichan Lake on Vancouver Island. After 3 hours we arrive at Robin's target shooting oasis and get set up by levelling the camper, putting targets at varying distances and start a fire. This is why I love camping; I sit by the fire all day reading as he shoots with the simple task of reapplying wood to the flames. We keep it low maintenance so we can look forward to returning with ease, consuming an unhealthy diet of smokies on a bun, fruit, potato chips and some chocolate. Robin drinks his beer and I drink juice. It is lovely! There is no one around but us... we laugh ... a lot! Robin sleeps to recharge his batteries and I read and write.
After returning home, we are going to spend some time in Victoria with our daughter, Dominique, and our 1 year old grandson, Xavier. Sometimes we stay at Dominiqueʼs, but mostly we stay in a hotel, so it feels more like a vacation. Wandering around the city and watching Xavier explore makes every passing car, plane in flight and approaching dog an adventure. Our family has had some rough patches in the past, but the hardships we endured have made us a tight knit little family that includes Robin, Dominique, Xavier and myself. Of course we have extended family but this is ‘our’ family! We know each other so well and we love each other in spite of our differences and shortcomings. This took a great amount of time, focus, counselling and perpetual work but I am so happy we made our relationships the priority over material things, because the rewards have been immense.
When in Victoria our trip always includes a visit to the Chinese restaurant where we watch Robin devour copious amounts of food in lightening speed. If he isnʼt tired, we head to another restaurant where we watch as he passionately consumes more food laden with calories. Most of our income goes to feeding Robin, so when he is working in camp, where they include the food, it's a big financial bonus. It’s always a cooks pleasure to see someone enjoy their food so passionately, especially when they have gone to a lot of effort to prepare it so everyone enjoys watching Robin eat or feeding him. When Robin licks his plate at the end of the meal, it is like getting a gold star.
I gained 20 pounds instantly after we got married so I let Robin know I had to cut back to stop gaining weight. To assist me in my weight loss efforts he made a curry and said, “Charlene I made this low fat for you, I only put in a quarter cup of butter.” Yes this is low fat in Robinʼs books but his food tastes so good I canʼt help but eat it. So I am a plump, happily married woman. Robin prefers me with some fat on my bones so why fight it?
Another thing we do when Robin is home is drink wine and think up another idea for one of his crazy videos to post on his youtube channel. His mind is so out there and his ideas are so absurd, we laugh and laugh. We laugh about the things he did in camp with his co-workers, we laugh about the things I did while he was away and we laugh about our new ideas. Robin doesnʼt take life seriously, life is just simple, easy, and fun.
When I start to nag Robin about something he has done or something I want him to do, he will laugh and say, “I am laughing to reduce stress”. It usually works, but not always. Trying to figure out how Robinʼs brain works and why and how he does the stuff he does, drives me absolutely insane. For example: why when I open the linen cupboard is there an empty beer can there? What on earth was going through his mind that this was a good place to put his beer can? It drives me crazy trying to figure out what and where he puts things. I have no idea, even after 17 years, how his brain works ... but at the same time, I love his brain.
When we first got married we both quit our jobs, working and living together 24/7 on his metal art business. I loved seeing his thoughts come to life. I remember when I said, “you should make a cd rack”. I am thinking in my brain about vertical and horizontal lines and slots for c.d.'s, much like an ikea cd rack. Instantly the wheels in his brain started to churn and I could see his thinking in process, excitedly he said, “Yah I will make a skeletal structure of a snake and each rib will hold a cd.” It is amazing to me, whose brain works this way? I made another suggestion to make a chandelier and he made an octopus with each tentacle holding a candle. It was fantastic!
The only thing we ever argue about is him taking care of himself. I sure wish that he wouldnʼt eat so much fat in his diet, plus he drinks alcohol, he smokes, and he drinks the worst kind of coffee you can imagine: he takes about 3 tablespoons instant coffee, 3 tablespoons sugar and 3 tablespoons water and then swigs it back. He does this many times a day to give him instant energy. He has made it for people to try and they have told me that they feel like they are going to have a heart attack because their heart is beating so quickly. I get so upset, I yell and tell him if he doesnʼt take care of himself he will die and leave me here alone. If he really loved me he would want to live a long healthy life with me. I couldnʼt imagine life without Robin as he is my life ... my love ... my future.
I always tell Robin, if anything ever happened to him I would never marry again for 3 reasons, 1) I know how much work it is to have a relationship, as it takes constant energy every single day. 2) There would never be anyone that could replace him as he is so unique. 3) I am fulfilled and happy with the rest of my life and I wouldn’t want it to change.
I am fortunate. I have great friends that have been part of my life even before I was married. I have hobbies I love, and get inspired by and I am connected to my community through volunteering and work. I really love where I live, I love being a mom and a grandma. I adore my nephews and niece and my extended family. I am truly a blessed woman.
I said it before but I will say it again, I LOVE MY LIFE!
Then the worst thing possible did happen. Robin died. I couldnʼt even believe it happened. I went through the whole process of grieving in a fog. My life was altered forever.
I wrote this on my Facebook:
"It is with the deepest sadness that we announce the passing of Robin Gibbard, a most cherished son, husband, father, grandfather, uncle and best friend. When someone with such an amazing spirit walks the earth it feels almost impossible to say good-bye. He was loving, generous, crazy, fun, and he had an amazing sparkle that shone so brightly. One of his favourite sayings was, “Leave them wanting more”, and he definitely did that. Robin never left things unsaid and for this we are eternally grateful. Our love for Robin will never fade. There will be a celebration of Robin's life at Badder's Beach on February 15th, 2014 at 4:30 PM. Bring along a chair and a piece of wood to put on the fire and we will share stories of Robin and his hilarious antics as the sun goes down."
Of course, life went on, even though I thought this extreme sadness was going to go on forever and this feeling of widowhood I carried with me would never end. My life became boring and dull without Robin. As I got past the initial trauma, I went back to work, I got to a point where I wasn’t crying everyday anymore. I had a perpetual underlying feeling of loss but everyone said this was normal, there would be a hole in my heart for the rest of my life. Finally getting to the point where I was functioning and wanted to know where I was going next. So after a year and a half, I got on a plane and headed to the Camino; a centuries old pilgrimage to the remains of St. James in Santiago de Compestela, in the north west coast of Spain. I set out, in hopes, that I could figure out what I was going to do with my life.
This was not easy for me. The longest I had ever been away from home was 10 days. I was terrified of getting home sick. The only way I could get on the plane was to give myself mental permission to come home if the journey was too difficult. Change has never been something that I create, instead it is something that is thrust upon me. I tend to stay in the same circumstances forever and never leave, so as much as my life was boring, it wasn't that bad, so I doubted my need for a pilgrimage. The problem was this underlying pain made me feel unbalanced compared to before Robin died. I had to do something as this pain was not my norm. I have always been easily happy. I had to go, I needed to find something to get me back to those feelings of happiness because this was no way of living. When I lost Robin I lost my future. I wondered if this pain would dissipate if I could map out a new future for myself and get back on to the ‘happy’ track.
I started on the border of France and Spain in the little town of St. Jean de Pied de Port, on a journey to find out where I was going in the next phase of my life. “Where do I go from here” was what I want to discover. I have to learn how to walk away from the life I love or loved but it feels so hard ... so impossible because every ounce of my being wants to be back there, where I was, where I used to be, loving life. I have to learn to walk away from a life I love! This is my goal!
My Life
I love my life ... I love my life ... I love my life!
This is my mantra as I drive along the winding roads of our island home, to pick up Robin from the ferry. Robin, my husband of 17 years works out of town for as long as a month, then comes home for a week or so. My work schedule, fortunately gives me the flexibility to be entirely available for fun when he returns. Tomorrow we will go camping in our 4x4 truck and camper, down an old logging road on Vancouver Island. The peace and tranquility is shared only with the elk, bear, birds and cougars. Wilderness camping in luxury!
Ritually I get to the ferry a little early, waving to Robin and welcoming him home as the ferry docks. After all these years we have not let ourselves take the other person for granted and we enjoy each others company to the fullest. I have to admit, it is not all rainbows and pixies, because there are definitely some things on his return that I dread. For example: his laundry, the mess that inevitably accompanies Robin, the copious amounts of food and dirty dishes ... but most of all the snoring. We donʼt even sleep in the same room and his snoring will keep me awake, now, until he goes back to camp. But ... these things all make up Robin and I love this man!
As the ferry pulls up I can see Robin is tired from the journey and the long stint of work, but he smiles as his long arm lifts high into the air and waves to me from the ferry deck. I can never get enough of looking at this man, 6ʼ4” with long hair and a grin that makes any woman weak in the knees. He makes his way up the walkway pulling his luggage, I can see that he is exhausted. But as soon as he gets to the top of the ramp he puts down his luggage and gives me one of his amazing hugs. Robin has hugging perfected, his long arms envelop and embrace me completely, and instantly I feel his love pour into me. Exhaustion from the journey and a month of working hard, makes a quiet drive home. Robin showers and gets into bed as soon as he enters the house, and I do his laundry and get everything ready for camping tomorrow.
As the sun breaks the horizon, we head to our “spot”, a secret location in the NitNat Valley past Cowichan Lake on Vancouver Island. After 3 hours we arrive at Robin's target shooting oasis and get set up by levelling the camper, putting targets at varying distances and start a fire. This is why I love camping; I sit by the fire all day reading as he shoots with the simple task of reapplying wood to the flames. We keep it low maintenance so we can look forward to returning with ease, consuming an unhealthy diet of smokies on a bun, fruit, potato chips and some chocolate. Robin drinks his beer and I drink juice. It is lovely! There is no one around but us... we laugh ... a lot! Robin sleeps to recharge his batteries and I read and write.
After returning home, we are going to spend some time in Victoria with our daughter, Dominique, and our 1 year old grandson, Xavier. Sometimes we stay at Dominiqueʼs, but mostly we stay in a hotel, so it feels more like a vacation. Wandering around the city and watching Xavier explore makes every passing car, plane in flight and approaching dog an adventure. Our family has had some rough patches in the past, but the hardships we endured have made us a tight knit little family that includes Robin, Dominique, Xavier and myself. Of course we have extended family but this is ‘our’ family! We know each other so well and we love each other in spite of our differences and shortcomings. This took a great amount of time, focus, counselling and perpetual work but I am so happy we made our relationships the priority over material things, because the rewards have been immense.
When in Victoria our trip always includes a visit to the Chinese restaurant where we watch Robin devour copious amounts of food in lightening speed. If he isnʼt tired, we head to another restaurant where we watch as he passionately consumes more food laden with calories. Most of our income goes to feeding Robin, so when he is working in camp, where they include the food, it's a big financial bonus. It’s always a cooks pleasure to see someone enjoy their food so passionately, especially when they have gone to a lot of effort to prepare it so everyone enjoys watching Robin eat or feeding him. When Robin licks his plate at the end of the meal, it is like getting a gold star.
I gained 20 pounds instantly after we got married so I let Robin know I had to cut back to stop gaining weight. To assist me in my weight loss efforts he made a curry and said, “Charlene I made this low fat for you, I only put in a quarter cup of butter.” Yes this is low fat in Robinʼs books but his food tastes so good I canʼt help but eat it. So I am a plump, happily married woman. Robin prefers me with some fat on my bones so why fight it?
Another thing we do when Robin is home is drink wine and think up another idea for one of his crazy videos to post on his youtube channel. His mind is so out there and his ideas are so absurd, we laugh and laugh. We laugh about the things he did in camp with his co-workers, we laugh about the things I did while he was away and we laugh about our new ideas. Robin doesnʼt take life seriously, life is just simple, easy, and fun.
When I start to nag Robin about something he has done or something I want him to do, he will laugh and say, “I am laughing to reduce stress”. It usually works, but not always. Trying to figure out how Robinʼs brain works and why and how he does the stuff he does, drives me absolutely insane. For example: why when I open the linen cupboard is there an empty beer can there? What on earth was going through his mind that this was a good place to put his beer can? It drives me crazy trying to figure out what and where he puts things. I have no idea, even after 17 years, how his brain works ... but at the same time, I love his brain.
When we first got married we both quit our jobs, working and living together 24/7 on his metal art business. I loved seeing his thoughts come to life. I remember when I said, “you should make a cd rack”. I am thinking in my brain about vertical and horizontal lines and slots for c.d.'s, much like an ikea cd rack. Instantly the wheels in his brain started to churn and I could see his thinking in process, excitedly he said, “Yah I will make a skeletal structure of a snake and each rib will hold a cd.” It is amazing to me, whose brain works this way? I made another suggestion to make a chandelier and he made an octopus with each tentacle holding a candle. It was fantastic!
The only thing we ever argue about is him taking care of himself. I sure wish that he wouldnʼt eat so much fat in his diet, plus he drinks alcohol, he smokes, and he drinks the worst kind of coffee you can imagine: he takes about 3 tablespoons instant coffee, 3 tablespoons sugar and 3 tablespoons water and then swigs it back. He does this many times a day to give him instant energy. He has made it for people to try and they have told me that they feel like they are going to have a heart attack because their heart is beating so quickly. I get so upset, I yell and tell him if he doesnʼt take care of himself he will die and leave me here alone. If he really loved me he would want to live a long healthy life with me. I couldnʼt imagine life without Robin as he is my life ... my love ... my future.
I always tell Robin, if anything ever happened to him I would never marry again for 3 reasons, 1) I know how much work it is to have a relationship, as it takes constant energy every single day. 2) There would never be anyone that could replace him as he is so unique. 3) I am fulfilled and happy with the rest of my life and I wouldn’t want it to change.
I am fortunate. I have great friends that have been part of my life even before I was married. I have hobbies I love, and get inspired by and I am connected to my community through volunteering and work. I really love where I live, I love being a mom and a grandma. I adore my nephews and niece and my extended family. I am truly a blessed woman.
I said it before but I will say it again, I LOVE MY LIFE!
Then the worst thing possible did happen. Robin died. I couldnʼt even believe it happened. I went through the whole process of grieving in a fog. My life was altered forever.
I wrote this on my Facebook:
"It is with the deepest sadness that we announce the passing of Robin Gibbard, a most cherished son, husband, father, grandfather, uncle and best friend. When someone with such an amazing spirit walks the earth it feels almost impossible to say good-bye. He was loving, generous, crazy, fun, and he had an amazing sparkle that shone so brightly. One of his favourite sayings was, “Leave them wanting more”, and he definitely did that. Robin never left things unsaid and for this we are eternally grateful. Our love for Robin will never fade. There will be a celebration of Robin's life at Badder's Beach on February 15th, 2014 at 4:30 PM. Bring along a chair and a piece of wood to put on the fire and we will share stories of Robin and his hilarious antics as the sun goes down."
***********************
Of course, life went on, even though I thought this extreme sadness was going to go on forever and this feeling of widowhood I carried with me would never end. My life became boring and dull without Robin. As I got past the initial trauma, I went back to work, I got to a point where I wasn’t crying everyday anymore. I had a perpetual underlying feeling of loss but everyone said this was normal, there would be a hole in my heart for the rest of my life. Finally getting to the point where I was functioning and wanted to know where I was going next. So after a year and a half, I got on a plane and headed to the Camino; a centuries old pilgrimage to the remains of St. James in Santiago de Compestela, in the north west coast of Spain. I set out, in hopes, that I could figure out what I was going to do with my life.
This was not easy for me. The longest I had ever been away from home was 10 days. I was terrified of getting home sick. The only way I could get on the plane was to give myself mental permission to come home if the journey was too difficult. Change has never been something that I create, instead it is something that is thrust upon me. I tend to stay in the same circumstances forever and never leave, so as much as my life was boring, it wasn't that bad, so I doubted my need for a pilgrimage. The problem was this underlying pain made me feel unbalanced compared to before Robin died. I had to do something as this pain was not my norm. I have always been easily happy. I had to go, I needed to find something to get me back to those feelings of happiness because this was no way of living. When I lost Robin I lost my future. I wondered if this pain would dissipate if I could map out a new future for myself and get back on to the ‘happy’ track.
I started on the border of France and Spain in the little town of St. Jean de Pied de Port, on a journey to find out where I was going in the next phase of my life. “Where do I go from here” was what I want to discover. I have to learn how to walk away from the life I love or loved but it feels so hard ... so impossible because every ounce of my being wants to be back there, where I was, where I used to be, loving life. I have to learn to walk away from a life I love! This is my goal!
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