Missing You

The holiday season can be difficult when the feelings of loss bubble up with the void of loved ones who aren't present.  Having loved ones around and full homes with an assortment of family and friends is what this time of year is about, right?  When the ones I love aren't with me, I miss the times I could be having with them and I want them back so I can create more memories, together.

On a quick visit to Salt Spring, Victoria, Vancouver and Langley I made the rounds to see as many of my friends and family before Christmas.  Moving to Bamfield in October we are a good days travel from the people we love. 

On my visit I was asked many times, "Do you miss home?" As my life evolves without Robin I am asked, "Do you miss Robin?"   Living in Bamfield we don't have the amenities that a city has and I am asked, "Do you miss stores?"  

I have put much thought into "missing" as I struggle with being separated from the ones I love over the holidays.  My thoughts are consumed with why we miss people and how to escape this feeling. Here are some of my thoughts on the issue.

I have heard it said before but it is becoming more apparent, "we don't miss people but instead we miss parts of ourselves".  When I am missing someone I am missing that part in me that they bring out.  I am never missing others I am always missing myself.  Does that make sense?

When I miss Robin I am missing the laughter, the spontaneity, the creativity and that ability to fully embrace the moment that he brought out in me.  So when I find myself missing him I do something that makes me feel the way I did when he was alive.  For instance I get out my camera and embrace my creativity, or I sit by the fire embracing the moment. One of the easiest ways is to reminisce and tell a funny story about Robin that will make me laugh, I do this at least once a day.

I miss my grandson, nephews and nieces as they brings out that child in me and I can be totally free to have fun!  With kids there is no judgement there is only acceptance.  I am hoping to volunteer in the community in the new year with local children and possibly do a weaving program.   No one can replace even one of the younger people in my life but spending time with children will connect me with those childlike parts of myself.

There is no one that can replace another person and I definitely don't want that.  I don't want there to be another Robin he was an extremely special and unique person and I am so thankful he was a part of my life!  I don't want to replace even one person in my life but instead connect to those parts in me that these people bring forth.  This feels better because it doesn't feel like I am replacing anyone.

Trying to replace someone is what makes me miss them, people can't be replaced and it belittles the relationship if I try to slot someone into their spot.  It would be an unrealistic expectation for anyone to fill the shoes of someone else.  Each person that walks this earth is unique and there is nothing better than learning about the idiosyncrasies of someones individuality.


I also don't want to loose parts of myself that make me, me.  Those parts that make me feel loved, creative, happy, fun, accepted, and understood.  Getting older has its perks! I have lived and tried many things so I can pick and choose the parts of me that I want in my life and the people that enrich my life.

I loved being a competitive athlete, training, going places with a team being able to eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight....but if I were to be honest with myself I don't miss it.  I have no desire to get up early and train and have my whole world revolve around a sport.  I do miss being able to eat anything I want and not gain weight.  I do miss a body that is strong and moves easily.  I think for the new year I need to find a way to get more fit so I can have a body that is stronger but not as intense.

I miss writing.  I used to write a lot more.  I had a routine where I would wake up at 5:00am and write for a few hours.  I am not waiting for the new year I am doing this now.  I am already writing more now, spending time between Christmas and New Years connecting with the people I miss and reminding them of the wonderful memories we have shared.

I am learning not to put the responsibility for my happiness on loved ones alive or passed.  When I figure out what I am missing it is up to me to look for things within my current life to create scenarios to get those parts of me back. When I do this a strange thing happens in my head.  My memories get muddled and I can't remember who I did similar things with because I am the constant.  It is like those people are still here doing things with me enjoying the life I have created. 

This life is short and I want to enjoy the limited time I have here walking this earth.  I don't want to spend my life being sad, being angry, frustrated, blaming, unfulfilled or missing each and every person that isn't currently present in my life.  I want to move through these emotions to a place where I can embrace life and live fully to my last breath.  Instead of feeling lost because old traditions are no longer possible I want to embrace new traditions.  This reminds me of a Robin story:

Robin was so excited because he won the annual 9.9 outboard motor round Salt Spring boat race.  After he shared this good news he would take a minute and then he would tell the rest of the story.  He was the only person in the race and it was the first year.  His friend Mark and Robin had a great day out on the water circumnavigating Salt Spring Island.

New traditions can start any time.  An annual event starts with that first time.  This first Christmas in Bamfield has been memorable.  My favorite event so far was an impromptu get together on the West side on Christmas Eve.  They put up a tent and a burn barrel and everyone got together around the fire.  This moment created a fun memory that I already cherish.

We took the boat over and as soon as the sun went down I started to pester Kevin about going home.  We don't have a light on the boat and I didn't want to travel so late at night.  I finally won and we headed back, docked the boat and brought everything inside.  Walking in the door I looked at the clock and it was only 6:50pm. Boy did I feel silly for rushing our departure.  It feels late here as soon as the sun goes down because it is so dark.  We went to a Boxing Day Pot luck and I relaxed into the darkness and enjoyed the phenomenal food that everyone brought. 

My brother, his wife and my mom came for a visit before Christmas and that filled my need for cooking a big meal.  We had a memorable time walking to Pachena Bay and Brady's Beach.  We didn't have a house full but we had the most relaxing Christmas I have ever had!  Some things were the same like the traditional recipes from family but most things were different.  Our first Christmas in Bamfield is filled with fond memories!

If you miss me you could look for experiences that pull out different parts of yourself or, I am here waiting to spend time with you.  Bamfield is a great place to come to create memories and explore this relaxing, calm, natural, beautiful, authentic, raw, tranquil part of the world 💓